(10) Diva Wars

Based on: Spain 2009 - La noche es para mi, Estonia 2009 - Rändajad, and UK 2009 - It's My Time


A not so long time ago, in a galaxy quite, quite near…


Episode 2009: Your Universe Needs You


It is a dark time for the galaxy. The greedy Count Svant Stockslius is appointed Chancellor of the corrupt Evil Balladeers’ Union.

The Union has suppressed peace and order throughout West and East by infiltrating the noble Knights of the JooRee. Now the Union strives to impose their biased TELLYVOTAs on the remaining free planets.

Count Svant Stockslius’s personal mission is to harness the Dark Side of the Force in a bid to retrieve his two mysteriously Missing E’s. To that end, the Count has dispatched his evil adjutant, Darth Vader, to the red (and slightly square) planet of Moss-Ko...


On arriving at Moss-Ko, Vader declares:

"I sense something, a presence I haven’t felt since…"


His rebellious lieutenant, Sybok,
seizes on Vader’s momentary weakness
and uses the illegal JooRee mind trick
Antepenultimate Lethargic Weariness
to overcome his master:

"Your pain runs deep"

"What do you know of my pain?"

"Let us explore it... together. Each man hides a secret pain.
It must be exposed and reckoned with. It must be dragged from the darkness
and forced into the light. Share your pain.
Share your pain with me... and gain strength from the sharing."


An image of Vader’s secret pain enters his mind…a pain that had turned him to the path of the Dark Side


During rehearsal fortnight


Stage begins in darkness, slowly the lights rise

Entering from Left: The Spanish Beauties

Entering from Right: The Estonian Lovelies

Lead divas glower at one another

Spotlights turn on to reveal a microphone at Centre Stage

Both Spanish and Estonian fillies rush toward it

Soraya reaches the stand first and throws an evil smile toward
Sandra’s team, still struggling with their violin and double bass cases

Let’s not admire Eesti Laul’s tune’s one big bore  
No ‘randy dad’ can…prevent you beginning to snore  
More important is that which I sing, because it will win  
Come on! They’ll text me, and phone a plenty  
Fan polls say that all the juries love me  
Come on, they’ll hate thee, worst in the semis  
You’ll only get votes from Alavere!  
Come hark at me, you wait and see:  
The Pope will vote for me  
(Ms. Nurmsalu viciously strums her violin and wrenches the microphone away from Soraya)
  Hold on! You’re not a winner
  Forget loony Soraya’s song
  All fair juries loath cocky mingers
  Sandra will show her who’s wrong
  Yes, I sing
  The classiest fun ballad ever
  I will win
  My symphony: really it’s clever
  They will hate
  The bitterness of Cáceres riffraff
  Who sings like
  An audibly retarded chiffchaff
Don’t be so crass, you’re one deluded smug lass  
Fiddle in hand, you will distress Euroland  
No impartial judge queries, oh yes, that your song’s a mess  
Take not the piss please! But slap me silly…  
If the scoreboard shows you more than mid teens  
Can someone wake me? Her song sedates me  
Hint: all fiddles drone on tediously  
My apogee, no doubt you’ll see  
The best song’s sung by me  
  Watching her ‘dancing’ and her steps
  Will leave you needing Vermouth
  Giving her your vote is for schleps
  Hear me, all! I speak the truth
  Yes she blurts
  The trashiest song since forever
  Hear my plea:
  Don’t download it to iPods ever
  My song has
  The best rhythms that certainly will win
  You just wait
  We all will meet next year in Tallinn

About two weeks later...



 (A certain Spaniard is slapped silly, as requested)

 Oh no, my God! Who voted for her? Sozzled fools???  

She plied them with booze!


Should I have flashed them my boobs?


My dear, gazongas can’t fix your loathsome song!   


(Urban Symphony arrogantly show off their musical prowess)   

  They love me
  Just slightly less than tales of fairies
  They hate you
  Your whole routine simply was scary--
(Our divas and their entourages spot something strange in the sky)
To prevent an imminent galactic civil war,
the U.S.S. Enterprise, sworn enemy of the Union,
rushes to Moss-Ko and beams down a compromise diva
Is it a Taelon? A Cylon? A Vogon?
Centre Stage:

A Raxacoricofallapatorian seated at a piano
a genetic chimera of Isis Gee and Alexandra Burke
I’ve beamed down, down to bore
Aural pain’s my lord’s chore
He gave me life...his singing bint
Did I say that my teeth, they glint?!

It’s my time, it’s my time---

Blasting their usurpers into a parallel universe, Soraya and Sandra join together and sing

Shut up Jade!





Download the original mp3s for Semi 3: (YSI)