In every corner of the planet
They all know my sister Janet
Cos no matter where she travels her health fails her

Just a weekend break in Sydney
Caused her failure of the kidney
It’s the story of her life, nothing avails her

It’s driving her to despair
She tore out all of her hair
And she was bald in Argentina

After a week in Monastir
She started feeling rather queer
And it turned out that she’d contracted deep thrombosis

She came down in Sacramento
With pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis

She’s been in pain everywhere
From Bangkok to Finistère

She went to Tanzania
With lots of sticky wax in her right ear
It only started when she was ‘bout twenty
But now she’s had diseases, more than plenty
Caught a slight cold in Bora Bora
And a delicate infection in old Nicosia

That’s where she got a touch of gonorrhea
She had to scream out loud “Please do not harm me”
At the erections of the Turkish army
Her defunct immune system is deficient
And no doctor is proficient
She is always sore

No surprise that when in Delhi
She had gases in her belly
Ended up with constipation in Odessa

And then poor Janet had it rough
With something fungal up her muff
Dripping her discharge everywhere she went in Leicester

No one gave medical care
Not even Dr Kildare

Could cure her scarlet fever
Or when she had gangrene in North Korea
It only started when she was ‘bout twenty
But now she’s had diseases, more than plenty
Had mumps and measles down in Rio
And a nasty toe infection in old Victoria

That’s where she suffered acute diarrhoea
She had to scream out loud “Please do not harm me”
At the suggestions of the Maltese army
Her defunct immune system is deficient
And no doctor is proficient
She is always sore

She journeyed far and near
But always had that sticky waxy ear
It only started when she was ‘bout twenty
But now she’s had diseases, more than plenty
And when she thought she’d lost her marbles
Then this creepy man appeared, he garbled:

Many people try to drink sangria
Others swear to ice cold beer
That’s not what you should pour
In order to set your health in motion
You must drink a magic potion
So Janet don’t say no, eh
Drink more and more and more…

This stuff here?
Ukrainian vodka is the panacea?
With just one litre she’ll always be healthy!
And with another litre, always stealthy!
So there’ll be no more dodgy diagnosis
No disease that ends in osis
There will be no more
Waxy ear