12) SPARTA??
(The ballad of an inept motivational speaker at the Battle of 300)

Based on Finland 1967 - Varjoon Suojaan (live)

Warriors!… on the eve of this fight-y … thing
Warriors!... it’s my duty and I’m … duty-bound
What am I? … Just a man, yeah, I am a man
Who am I? …  I’m a Spartan man with a … plan

Go out, and face the horde, there … even though they might have…rocks?
Or, we wait ‘till we get more here, coz 300’s not a whole lot.

Warriors!... someone gave you some shields, and stuff?
Warriors!... are we sure that 300’s enough??
So I say, are we nearly ready to … rock?
So I say, don’t we have really… big cocks?

Warriors, we can still go somewhere to hide…
Warriors, let’s surrender … wait, it’s a sign!
Are they gone? … We won’t need to throw rocks at them
Yes they’re gone! We are men, but they are not … men

COME SPARTANS… you guys did so fine, the bad guys have gone back inside
And maybe they’ll build us a shrine, hope they use rocks to build mine!

Warriors…? What in Zeus’ name are those?
Warriors…? They are big, grey, with a long … nose?
Oh shit! Let us form into ranks—oh shit!

SPARTANS, gotta go, you are on … your own!