For Dummies

Based on Anna Järvinen - Porslin


Foreword (not meant to be sung)

Despite the in-lyric instructions, it became apparent that some voters never understood how Haiku Schlager was supposed to fit. The art of haiku-fitting is, however, fairly simple.

Eurovision songs that actually have repeated instances of seven-syllable lines surrounded by two five-syllable lines are scarce or nonexistent. Hence we have to settle for less. Find a seven-syllable line, place the middle line of the haiku there, and pray that the haiku doesn't begin or end too awkwardly. Voilà! Purists frown upon this practice, but purism is lame and haikus are cool. We! Will! Not! Succumb!

This illustrative guide will hold you by the hand and lead you through the Estonian Cowgirl reprise COWKUKAOS!1, set to Anna Järvinen's Porslin (MF 2013). On the right-hand side, you will find the reprise; on the left-hand side, the corresponding part of the original lyrics. Any syllable count oddities are explained in the footnotes (btw, far more liberties have been taken than were in Haiku Schlager). Come on! Together we can do it!



I2 tjugo år

Har vi haft varann
Det finns ingen del av dig
Som inte passar…

…in i mig

Ja, du och jag har

Filat ner varann
Jag kan nästan se mig själv
I det som blivit…

…utav dig

Förvånar mig hur snabbt det faktiskt går

Så du, vi kör väl
Kanske inte tjugo till
Men tills vårt hjärta…

…står helt still

Och du-u3, minns du?
Vad som gjorde oss så bra
För det gör nu in-

-te jag

En otrohet

Och ett fyllebråk
Några barn och ett nytt hus
Ett liv som vänt sig…

…in och ut

Så sakta då

Som det faktiskt går
Ja, du märker ingenting
Förens4 du har vatten…

…mot din kind

Men jag har tryckt bort värre känslor än de här

Så du, vi kör väl?
[Om]5 inte för vår egen skull
Så för barnen och…

…dess lugn

Och du-u3, ser du?
Kanske känns som skit för dig
Men tänk på hur det…

…är för mig






You asked for this

Cows are trained to kill
In an organised stampede
Cos man is fragile

Heed my words

You can't escape, see:

When you least expect
Kamicowze through your roof
Your sleep is endless

This is true

Intrigued by how a cowgirl can recruit?

Cows are unflinching
Reproducing in the streets
And causing crashes

It's a farce

Oh, Cowie Daisy
Been killed twice, come back alive
Now a manticore



We're unfazeable
Seemingly invincible
Unwise to drop us6

We don't care

I'm warning you:

We will sit on you
If you come too near our calves
Don't take this lightly

Cos we won't

You're inferior, now the bovines rule the world

How come? You wonder
The abductions have improved
Our intelligence

A ruse

My army, say moo!
Melt the ice caps with your farts
The mankind's swan song

Don't be sad

A coda:

All good things must end
Post-apocowlyptic world
Where have ALs gone?

That's all, folks!
Thank you for the years of laughter


  1. Cowku is a cow-themed haiku.
  2. The preposition i may be hard to hear but it is there.
  3. One syllable spread over two notes. Replaced by two syllables in the reprise.
  4. Somehow, Anna pronounces this two-syllable word in one syllable. Or at least it only takes one note. Blame the original authors.
  5. This syllable is an inconsistency in the original melody. We've omitted it. Mainly to annoy you. And because this stanza couldn't house a haiku otherwise.
  6. Alas, this is an urban legend. However, falling cows are sometimes hazardous for real.