(17) Embittered Maywood Sister
Based on Netherlands 1990


Alice is a greedy bitch
She’s stolen all my dough
Whereas I still rot in Amsterdam
She bathes in Monaco

I picture Alice by the sea
Sipping pink champagne
While I’m plodding up the Prinsengracht
In the pissing rain

I now really hate my sister
I hope she dies in pain
And were she to go to Heaven
I hope she dies again
Alice sat behind me
Playing piano
Looking like an actress
From a U.S. soap

She married a rich businessman
And kept the name Maywood
Then his clogs popped of a heart attack
Like she knew they would

Grey beluga caviar
Is her daily bread
While I mop the floors at Albert Heijn
Plotting my revenge

I’d just love to kill my sister
My pleasure is her pain
I would make her drink peroxide
And rip out all her hair
Hack off her ten fingers
Strangle her with wire
Hear her shriek like shagging cats
Engulfed in a fire

She always said I was the ugly one
Of my long, horsey face
She would poke such fun!

Really fucking hate my sister!
I hope she dies in pain!

Hope she dies tomorrow
Hope she goes to Hell
Hope she’s not omitted
My mention in her will