06) The Waiting Room

Based on Germany 1956 – Im Wartesaal zum großen Glück

I went on my travels, Dubai in the spring
Toledo in May and the fall in Sacramento
And I proved quite the catch there, at least so I learned
My sex appeal soared; sadly, though, I returned
With quite the unwanted memento:

An unfortunate rash, all but urging me
To procure some medical care
So I dragged myself down to my local surgery
Where I found, to my despair

The waiting room is full of freaks
They hang around all day and loiter
They’re coughing and sneezing, there’s a bunch of wheezing
Peculiar ailments that smell unpleasing
And they’re causing a frightful commotion
All I want’s a soothing lotion

There’s a grandmother sat in the corner, just right there
Her shopping bag, her pet dog, her leg set in a plaster
And a drunk with a skinhead, looking like death
All but screaming with malodorous breath
‘bout all kinds of doom and disaster

On the other bench, there’s a chap who’s got - oh Christ!
That’s a courgette somewhere it shouldn’t be!
I gasp out loud, offer up a smile
And give thanks that he isn’t me

The waiting room is full of freaks
(I think that vicar has a goitre!)
There’s mothers with babies in the midst of teething
The squealing and wailing, it leaves me seething
And the queue for my balm is so slow now
Aw, come on, I want to go now!

See, their clock must be broken, the hands won’t go round
And the coffee dispenser, it’s just swallowed all my money
So I moan to a woman with extraordinary hair
Who exhales, flicks her fag and, with a mordant stare
Says, “Nowt I can do ‘bout it, sonny!”

Overwhelmed by now, I accept my fate
And start reading an old What PC?
“Doom? Hang on…” I say, then I see the date:
July 1993

The waiting room is full of freaks
I might be sleeping overnight here
But just when I’m flagging as it nears 5:30
The nurse at reception, she tells me curtly:
“You’ve forgotten to make an appointment!”
Bah… there goes my ointment