(22) The Food-Sex-List Song
Based on UK 1968


Hard masturbation may cause abrasions
First there’s a tingle in your foreskin when you pee
Best medication? Good lubrications!
Across the world each nation has a remedy
Fresh mascarpone makes an Italian feel contented
Those smooth Canadians prefer syrup, maple-scented
While Cornish males use clotted cream what can the Swiss do?
Dip in fondue - but turn down the heat!

Hard masturbation may cause abrasions
‘Til you exclaim “How sore can urinating be?”
Mild inflammation? Stinging sensations?
Grab an emollient and spread it lib’rally
For Middle-Eastern men it’s a handful of tabbouleh
Whereas the French serve up coq-au-hand with cold crème brûlée
The same is true if you’re a hunky, macho Greek-y
Apply tzatziki for pleasure all day!

Normalisation brings new temptations
But when you think you’ve found the optimum technique
Each new dilation brings irritations
As your erection grows you’ll shout obscenities:
“@#%$#!!! @#%$#!!! @#%$#!!!”

In desperation only cessation
Will spare your genitals from dermal agony
For self-indulgence now…

Compete in A.L.C.